Nearly Half a Year I’ve Wondered

I will admit, this will get very revealing about my past. In a way, I guess this is a testimony of sorts in regards to what I’ve been struggling with lately.

my life was great and normal when
I was three years out of the womb until
Death decided I won’t have
a normal childhood – I’ve never referred
to anyone as “daddy” after that –
prepubescent years were quiet –
natural changes just happened
with some exceptions –
my cousin – my best friend
growing up – and I started a
secret society kept away from
our parents, friends, family, and later
our memories – it was just us –
it was the Naked Club – with
young bodies exposed we did
normal things plus
fondle each other –
first years of puberty I pleasured myself
first to images of sweaty, naked,
male dominance in a style of
close, physical combat that’s been around
for centuries – the victors would pleasure
themselves to the losers who
were also pleasured
because they wanted it –
I found women being pleasured
pleasurable – more so if they shared
anatomy with a fox, wolf, lizard, eagle, shark, or
just about any creature that roams the earth
that isn’t human – I refuse to
subject myself to animals of reality –
one year I was convicted of
some of my wrongdoings – I wanted
to change who I’ve become for her – my
motivation left after my best friend
got to know her better first –
this song never mentioned my mother –
I don’t know how she sees me or
how I see her – but I’m sick of her wanting
to know every detail of who I am and
measuring my worth on an academic
rating system – she only seems to understand
money and conservativism –

nearly half a year I’ve wondered
if I desire courtship with another woman
or another man – yet it seems
I fancy men over women influenced by
aforementioned plausible experiences –
nearly half a year I have fallen
for a man – I admit to smiling
slightly as I think about him while
pounding down this song – but now
my dilemma lies with my faith and
my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ –
I want to respect and honor my faith – but
I feel I have to choose a side in the debate –

But all in all…
I’m just looking for grace.


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