I am Convinced

I am convinced eternal
damnation and paradise are
myths created by fools.

You have known me before
my birth and the Creation in Genesis.
You claim to have never left me,

like others’ fathers have done, and
you will always be with me, giving me
wisdom, courage, and love even when I
wanted to forcefully shut
down my own bodily functions, with
rope, blade, or chemicals.
Do you even remember the time

you took back the angel from me?
And the simple fact that no one,
not even you, told me a damn thing
about what happened?
She was the only one who treated

me like a real person; wasn’t a
leech feeding off my income;
didn’t use me like some cheap dildo to
get her off every time she felt
even a little horny; never threatened
to leave me if I were to get fired or if I
didn’t give her what she wanted.
The angel understood how alone I was,

unlike that bitch some years ago. Why would
you allow a lazy whore into my life if
it would end up running away with
some other prick, leaving me alone again in
this piss-poor world you decided to create?

What about those times I lost
the place I called home?
Guess it didn’t matter to you

that I was kicked out by my racist parents
after they found out about my black boyfriend;
guess it didn’t matter to you
that I was only a junior in high school then, or
that he was the only real friend I had. What

about those times I got evicted because of
my shitty job history? Why didn’t you
answer my prayers for a steady job that
I could keep for more than a few
months again? Maybe you don’t
really exist. Did you enjoy watching

the sick bitch who
pushed me out demand that I give her
a massage between her legs? Or that she said
I wasn’t a real man if I didn’t
satisfy my own mother the
way a porn star would?
Her husband knew, her husband approved –
because it would teach me
how to be a man. My voice cracked

at times, girls and boys made
my crotch feel funny and my face hot for
the first time when my parents
taught me “manliness.” Are you really just
a sick fuck who enjoys watching your
“children” suffer like this?
I struggled to believe after

my dignity was violated.
But I feared eternal damnation for
leaving your “Family.”
What a dumbass thing to believe in!

Damnation after
death, life after
death; didn’t you claim
we’re just dust anyway?

In the words of your so-called “Son,”
It is finished.

This is to be taken as a persona poem of sorts; I’m not actually turning away from my faith and I haven’t had these experiences, thankfully.


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