Letter to a Man I Never Knew

How’s it going up there in
that spiritual plain among
God Himself?
I’m sure it’s lovely and perfect
unlike this hardened dung
heap under my feet;
It’s not all bad though, but

I envy those who have
both loving parents down

here on Earth.

How’s sis doing with you?
I know she only lived
a few minutes and
I know that ordeal did a number
on you and mom.
I know when you were stolen from us,

it did a number on mom too,
the affects were delayed for me –
I got older and
realized the significance of

fatherlessness.
I understand you didn’t want
to leave, though we all will

forever ask “Why?”

You were proud and happy
to be a father, it didn’t matter if
it’s to a son, or to a daughter;
at least, that’s my impression from

what mom’s told me about you.

I don’t know how you
wanted me to be, or if you
had any “standards.” Mom seems
to have some of those.
You probably wanted me to like

sports, specifically baseball;
I don’t see the appeal of
our family’s obsession. Would you still

consider me a man despite
my disinterest?
Like mom, you’d probably find it odd

I’m more into cartoons, anime, videogames, and
a show about tiny equines intended for little girls
(it’s really good, seriously).
And like mom, you’re probably not proud that

I’ve discovered a way to lust in secret and
puff on burning fags of tobacco leaves
despite my heart problem.
There may be some other imperfections

I have, but may not be aware of;
mom does seem to nitpick though,

I don’t know if you were as peculiar.

I hope you’re at least proud that
I’m finding my way and who I am
in spirit and in myself; I know
I’m not the most decisive person and

I’m unlike the majority of
our family and tend to
deviate from the norm.
I hope you know that

I’m not like you or mom or
anyone else,

mom doesn’t quite understand this
it seems. I don’t know for sure.

I’ll leave whatever you two need to
discuss amongst yourselves.

All I ask is for
your love and acceptance for
who I am – my heart
fell for a guy recently, and
I’m ok with this. Would

you deny me if I
had a boyfriend?

No one will ever know what
you would’ve done.

Anyway, I need
to get back to figuring shit out; I need
to get back to filling

that hole you left behind.

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